Quick update. I compromised. Lol. I realized (again) that it would be better if I stay just for a little bit (no not little but for another year) until my max physical stay is up. Realizing my work is somehow part of my personal life hurts so much to see crumble. I felt kasi napaka-valuable ko haha! Anyway, my lead re-confirmed me in the team. Ngayon, mas panatag na loob ko.
I’ll stay for one more year. I’ll go home in PH after this. No more GC. That is okay. No regrets. I am now looking forward to 2021.
‘Are you sure?’, my onshore manager asked.
YES. I. AM. SURE.
To tell you my story, I was given a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to be assigned in US for work last December 2015. Not just that. Last November 2019, I was given another level of opportunity – to be nominated in the company’s pool of Green Card processing! Like, WHY ME?! The gullible me and the excited me, I said YES without even understanding the implications of my decisions.
Come December 2019 I moved to another project with a whole new tech and system to not just understand the system but the BUSINESS itself. Like, okaaaay. Imagine, I am a Java-skilled person but the tech being used is highly PL/SQL and Informatica. Zero experience yet the rebadged lead chose me because I am the ‘proactive’ one and ‘up for the challenge’. Well, I am up for the challenge but I didn’t see this coming – to be drained, to be stressed, to be less motivated.
Everything got piled up – I miss my family. I miss the Philippines. I want my life back. I want to rest for a few months. I miss hanging out with friends. I miss every single thing I do when I’m in PH – my old life.
And then I came to a BIG, BIG decision.
Last February 17, Monday morning (well I sent the email the night before), I came to a decision to not process 2 things. (1) Not to process my visa extension, (2) and not to continue my GC processing.
An out-of-the-norm decision. Like, every single person I know will tell me, HA? SIGURADO KA? BAKA EMOTIONAL KA LANG?
Yes, I am emotional but I am also rational. You see it’s been (how many years now?) like approximately five years since I accepted this out-of-my-country work. This gave me a different perspective of people, of the world, of work. It’s a different kind of experience that I never imagined myself to have gone through. Financially speaking, family debts were paid, hospital bills were paid, insurance-investments were funded. I couldn’t ask for more. I want to experience comfort but I don’t experience it like this.
I’m a bit sad ’cause when I discussed this with my onshore lead, he is “shocked and disappointed.” I felt sad ’cause I realized I cannot please everyone. What can I do? I already made my decision and it’s final. I know I have peace within me and I don’t have regrets with my decision to go home this year.
I know this US stay is sooooo damn out-of-this-world blessing and not everyone is given this kind experience. BUT this precious experience has to be let go anytime sooner. I need to let go of this for me to experience something priceless. 🙂 Five years is enough. Even three years is enough for me!
As of this writing, February 18 2020, the plan is I will stay with my new team up until my visa expires on August 05. They need to look for my replacement. I am waiting for the formal email/decision from my leadership about halting my visa extension and GC processing.
On another note, I realized something about myself just now, I AM A PEOPLE PLEASER. I always put other people first which sucks sometimes. Right now I have a lowly heart, not because of my decision, but the fact that I felt that I am not in good terms with my lead and the higher ups because of my decision. I GAVE THEM A VERY BIG PROBLEM!
Then I remembered the book I read, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson. I remembered he said, don’t overthink and don’t give a BS with what less important people say or think about you. You’ll just get drained. Focus more and give a F of the people most important to you. In my case – Mama, Papa, Meg, friends, GOD.
I want my life back. I want to get back on track. I felt this US stay was a “detour” – I don’t know but that’s how I feel now.
Life doesn’t end here. Uncertain of what is to come but I trust GOD who knows my destination. I want my journey to be something enjoyable with the people I give a f*ck with.